Monday, January 4, 2010

The night before...

I find it interesting the last blog I have on here is the blog of the day I found out my first surgery was declined. For tonight is the night before the now approved Bariatric Surgery.

How does one make sense of something like this? I have spent the last 18 months preparing but here I am less than 18 hours before and I feel completely bowled over both physically and emotionally. Physically because I am realizing now after a week and a half off of anti-inflammatories just how much by body hurts. My shoulders, my hips, my lower back...they officially exist now. Whereas before they were simply dull aches now they are all out uncomfortable pains.

Emotionally...I suppose to understand where I am I have to break my emotions into equal 1/3 parts. The first 1/3 is excitement and anticipation masked for the moment by fear and an overwhelming sense of "what next"?

The second third I would categorize as unbelievably thankful for this opportunity and so mystified as to why my insurance covers this 100% when some insurance companies won't cover it at all. In this same category is the knowledge this is the best thing and I am making the right and wisest choice. It holds the confidence that God orchestrated this and the door is wide open if only I will step through.

The third Third is unfortunately where most of my energy and focus is right now. It is the third that feels like an utter failure. It is the category that wanted so desperately to be that success story, the girl who started the road to Gastric Bypass and on the way she learned how to eat healthy and make good portion choices and exercise etc... and she lost 100 lbs. 18 months ago I thought that could be me. After the first 6 months of strict eating and exercise when only 12 lbs were lost it was discouraging. And the first surgery decline was devastating. But then the dream came back. I thought, I will start again. I will do it this time. I know how to do it all. I bought even more books than before. This time I became aware of the low glycemic index way of eating. I changed things even further. I perfectly balanced our meals. I worked out (not as much as i should...but some). Jeremy lost 15 lbs. I lost 3. I felt like the slimquick commercial.

The end of the second 6 months came, and again, it wasn't enough. My blood sugars and cholesterol still weren't controlled. Not with diet, not with all of the maximum doses of meds i was taking. Not with anything. It seemed my body had turned against me. It was rotten. It was frustrating and then the surgery was approved. I was exhilirated, I jumped up and down. And then as it all set in I came back to this place. I had failed...again. And whether I have failed me, or my body has failed me, or a little bit of both, my surgery tomorrow is bittersweet.

I have to imagine it is akin somewhat to a pregnant mom. Excited for the outcome but scared of the process. Excited for that amazing child but scared of the labor. Excited for each of those daily milestones but exhausted by the lack of sleep that a child brings. Excited for that time where they begin to walk and explore but exhausted by walking behind them making sure their space is safe. Excited to see the person they become but scared to death you will screw them up.

I am excited for the surgery outcome but I am afraid of the process that gets me there. I am excited for the beginning months but I am freaked out that my body will respond negatively. I am excited for what my life will be like a year from now but afraid that a year from now I will be in a worse place and wish I would have never had it. Excited for the life changes of being diabetes free but afraid the surgery won't work.

Do you see my excited but... theme. ;) I am trying with everything in me to be positive. More than anything I just want to wake up tomorrow afternoon and just be that...Awake. Awake with the knowledge that I defied the little 1/10 of 1% odd. Then I will begin to work my butt off and I pray that I will defy the next 1% of major complications and then the next, the 10% of people who have minor complications. And I will be like a friend of mine who not only made it through but he did with flying colors. And I know this is not my usual trend. But that is my hope. That is my prayer.

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