Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday Blues

I have a terrible headache. It's just one of those days where I feel overwhelmed. My house isn't pristine, I can't find my sunglasses, and above all I haven't slept good for over a week. I had to stop taking anti-inflammatory drugs a week ago and I so rely on them to help me sleep through my aches and pains. Tylenol is not cutting it.

I have laundry to do and I haven't shopped for this week yet...well, normally I shop on Mondays so I will go later. And the thing is...I know so much of this panic mode has to do with the fact I am having my gall bladder removed on Wednesday morning. I am concerned about getting everything done before my mom gets here. She is coming for the week to take care of me and I don't want her to feel like she has to take care of my house and laundry etc. I have planned meals through Wednesday so she will only need to cook Thursday...arrrgh.

It is just one of those days where it seems there is not enough time in the day. last night I freaked out at 1am because I was obsessing about my sunglasses...and then i unloaded on Jeremy because he squashed things together on the counter to make my new slow cooker fit...and i HATE clutter and I can't stand things feeling small and tight...again...It is just one of THOSE days.

And through this all I am supposed to be working through financial peace and having my life more organized. And right now I am just venting. I have too many things and not enough space. I continuously have to juggle things into boxes and what not...I want a bigger house but I am trying to be content with where I am. What is contentment? Truly...does anyone ever really achieve contentedness?? Besides the Duggar mom of 18 kids...who always looks like she's happy with no cares in the world.

How can i love The Lord so much but yet still struggle so badly with stress and anxiety and obsessive compulsions? Isn't putting my faith and trust in God supposed to alleviate these things? Can they walk hand in hand? I certainly hope so because if they can't....then I am just outta luck!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Valentine's Weekend

This past weekend we went away from 3 nights to a lovely B&B in Arlington, WA called River Rock Inn. It is beautiful and the weekend was fantastic. Just what we needed.

Valentine's day used to be my day of dread. It was the LOVE day...the day that simply screamed at me...SINGLE. But now that I am married I have a new appreciation for Valentine's day. It is not a romance day only but a day that tells everyone you love, that you do. I wish I would have not scorned it so much before but honestly I am really glad that on the off days...the non valentine's family and friends have known in many ways how much I love them. I love to love on people. It is a blessing to bless others.

But this husband blessed me. He blessed me by loving me even though I hurled insults at him when our train got all messed up and our rental car wasn't waiting and no one could figure out where our reservations were. He blessed me by letting me vent and not getting angry as I continued to rail about our 8 hour journey that was supposed to be much shorter because of taking a train and renting a car. He blessed me by still taking me to dinner and loving me even though i was knotted up and tightly wound. And then he blessed me by opening the door to my room and showing me what was waiting. Jeremy had arranged to send a beautiful gift for me with an even more treasured card to go with it. He had also arranged a lovely bouquet of roses.

As I sat down and read the card I was truly humbled. Humbled by a husband that knew what awaited me as I ranted and didn't throw it in my face. A husband who had so carefully planned this amazing weekend and as I shouted at him that I just wanted to go home, he sat patiently, only asking me if I could try to get past his mistakes and love him anyway. A husband who wrote the most poignant words that I NEEDED to hear. I sat there stunned and began to cry. On this holiday weekend of love I had already said the most unloving things to my husband and I was deeply ashamed. All I could say was forgive me, I love you, and Thank you.

The weekend was wonderful but the biggest lesson I took was what it felt like to be so humbled and truly having an understanding of what real love looks like. It isn't "stuff". It is respect, time, words...all of the things that no money can buy and what can't be returned or taken back. Oh that I could take back my words and those lost moments of time...but now I can take those words and that lost time and remember it the next time I want to be angry and don't want to control it. My husband taught me the best lesson of love. it is having self control and loving without condition. God is so good. I used to pray that God would truly show himself to me and now I think he does. Through my husband. And the love my husband has for me is just a small example of how infinite My Father's love is. I am so truly blessed that God saw fit to send me a prince and allow me to be "discovered". In my single days a friend said that to me and it stuck. When i asked her why she was single she simply answered that she hadn't been discovered yet. :o)

Monday, February 2, 2009

My first time skiing

So this past Sunday we went skiing. Jeremy is a really good skier and used to be a ski instructor. I used to snowboard and I was really not successful so I felt sure I HAD to be better on skis. Jeremy and I have an "adopted" niece and nephew. Joni and Justin are the kids of one of my former co-workers and we totally dig spending time with them. Joni was up for the weekend so much of this ski trip also had to do with her since she totally wanted to ski.

Due to inclement weather on Saturday, I became a SACRIFICIAL LAMB and gave up one of THE most important days of the year...Superbowl Sunday. We got up early in the AM and set off to Mount Hood Meadows where Joni and I were signed up for a ski lesson and rentals. Admittedly i was little crabby on the way up, as visions of snowboard falls were filling my head.

On my boots were on and I was told to carry my skis and poles. A little challenging while trying to navigate the snow but made it to the bunny hill. After moving around on one ski for a bit and then trying to climb up the "hill" using sidestepping, we were finally on our way to the magic carpet. A Terrible terrible machine. It was basically a moving floor (like those in airports), contained in a tubular structure with no handles to hold onto. I scooted my way up to the rubber and just as I thought I was on...I was SOOOO NOT. I fell with this giant line of people behind me. As i lay there I hear my instructor tell everyone else, "oh, i forgot, you need to bend your knees a little forward as you get on". hmmm. Nice information to know BEFORE this.

Anyway...i gave up from my lesson a little early because i was so thirsty and wanted to sit down. After a bit we all headed to buttercup where we were to begin the afternoon round. My first time down I bit it, Hard. I got my ski pole caught under the front of my ski and flipped backward and landed hard on the center of my back. The wind was knocked out. That was end of my ski day. I hurt and was tired and a nice warm lodge with a superbowl on tv sounded better. I went in, had myself a pint of Pipeline Porter, put my comfy smartwool socks on and had myself a fine old time. And did i mention that Joni is a total pro?? figures. Hehehe.

In the pics Joni the pro is the ski girl and obviously I am the stander. look at my fake smile. underneath those goggles I had been crying me eyes out for about 15 minutes, all the way from the mountain to the lodge I say...